2002-08-20, 8:43 p.m.,

I've been thinking about far too much lately. What else is new? I'm always thinking far too much about far too many things.

A new girl started at work, she's a bit full on. Named Elizabeth, actually I think her name might be lizbeth, but i couldnt tell if i was hearing her incorrectly and i didnt feel like asking. She immediately began telling me her entire life story about her sister that has cancer and is in the hospital (17 years old) and she was telling me how her family is pretty sure she won't live the rest of the year because she's had it for 5 years now. She then went on and on about how she's never had anyone close to her die (mind you I've known this girl for maybe 2 hours at best by this point.) I imagine she's terribly lonely and really frightened. So she left in the afternoon and I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about my sister and this cancer scare we're going through with her. I started thinking about losing my sister and how I'd deal with something like that and I really began feeling bad for this girl.

There's also this girl that comes into the cafe often and she looks so much like abby. It's uncanny really and quite frightening. She wears these really amazing handmade rings and bracelets and every time she comes in I remember exactly what she orders. A soy capuccino in a mug, she laughs and is flattered i remember, thinking it's because I remeber her from the discussion we had about her rings. She has absolutely no idea that it's because she looks identical to abby and everytime she walks in, my heart stops for a brief moment.

So all these thoughts really have got my head spinning a bit, waiting for myself to finally get over it all. "i'll get over it" it's the cliches that cause the trouble. When people who lose someone expect to get over it. Because the "it" in this case is someone you love. Sure the pain stops and there's new experiences and new people, but that gap never closes. It's really go tme thinking lately about how it all just kind of hangs around, like an arguement stopped mid-air. When one of you hasn't finished but the other has left without warning. I think it's even the same when it's an illness like cancer, even when you see it coming and prepare you never really expect it. Suddenly they're gone. They've had the last word. They were here yesterday, but not today. Death does that, it reduces us to the baffled logic of a three year old. If yesterday, why not today?

So you see them, weaving in and out of crowds, hearing their voices in a distance only to arrive where you swore you heard it and not hear it anymore. So you wait to "get over it" but what if one never does?

On a lighter note, i was thinking today about what i could kill. yes, i know, i'm having one of those morbid kind of thoughtful days, but really, i was thinking its a bit hypocritical to eat anything i wouldn't kill. So then i got wondering how far i could go? Could i kill a plant? Sure. A Fish, yeah, i could do that. Chicken? The only good chicken is a dead chicken. (my fear of chickens will be addressed in another entry at another time) Could I kill a Lamb? no. But that's ok, i dont eat lamb (however it seems to be the staple here in OZ) Could i kill a baby calf? nope. Which is fine, because veal is not in my diet either. Now how about a cow? Could i kill one? a full grown cow? I'm really not sure on this one. Perhaps I could, maybe not. So until I'm sure I could put an end to ol' bessie's life, i think i'm off red meat.

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