2006-07-06, 12:45 p.m.,

This week has been my hell week for sure, events on nearly every night, long long days of being on my feet at a tradeshow promoting the mag. I had to make a very impromptu speech as part of a speakers panel yesterday and today I've decided to start looking for a place and sort out my Thailand media trip. The people coordinating it today rang and asked me after the event in Thailand whether I’d prefer to go to a media tour of Cambodia or Vietnam. So I’m ringing everyone I know trying to sort out which is better to go and it seems a tough call to make.

I reckon I’m going with Cambodia. Although I shudder to think what sort of visa arrangement I’ll need to work out for myself to get there. Will worry about that later because right now I’ve been on hold waiting among the other billion people ringing big brother so I can get my stupid interview. I don’t even care about the big house scandal, I just want to talk tot the technology guy and the event planner, not the damage control folks.

So yeah....still in a bit of a spin at the moment and it seems there’ll be no rest until early September when I can do the book launch and just get ready to travel to Asia.
A nap would be good, but the freaky nightmare are back on and over the past 3 days I keep seeing people in the house, not one but a few. Just quick glances and they are gone.

My friend Amy offered to take me with her to Port Douglass this morning and because I was about 3 seconds from crying I nearly said yes, even if it meant missing deadline and losing my job. There just seems to be so much going on right now that’d really out of my realm of control at the moment both with work and personal stuff that I’m finding my desire to care becoming less and less as time goes by. Not because I don’t want to care, but because I’m worn too thin at the moment. I don’t know how to explain it really. I’m just tired. Really really tired and finding I’m hardening up and caring less about things lately. Not caring less about people, just realising there’s so many things that I can’t fix and I can’t control and people I can’t legally kill that I need to just let it be. I don’t know how to explain it anymore than me realising that the overly accommodating/ motherly/ organiser me that I used to be seems to be taking an extended leave of absence.

Maybe it’s not a bad thing, but it’s not feeling too fantastic right now. It’s just heavy. That’s the only word that seems appropriate.

Deep breathing....off to a charity event tonight for breast cancer. Should be a good way to relax as there’ll be lots of fun people there to actually settle me.

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