Ok, I've sorted out that ms burlesque entertainer is definitely a lesbian. And she's rang me now 4 times in 2 days. The last time to tell me she's performing at the next Gurlesque and ask if I was coming. I'm certain this charming flirty thing is just what she does, and she does it well --but dear god she makes me squirm, which is the point of it I imagine.
Meanwhile I dropped stuff off for stieny last night and to check on her because I've been worried sick about her not feeling well. It absolutely breaks my heart to see her in pain and knowing I can't do anything to ease it. So I brought her some get well pressies, gave her a cuddle and let her rest, which is probably what she needs most anyway. And I gave her the gift I got when I was overseas, which she seemed amused with and Iím hoping made her feel a bit better at least in the superficial way that gifts can cheer you. But I still felt a bit like a dickhead giving it to her considering the circumstances it was purchased under. Donít know, itís a weird situation. I was speaking to tara yesterday and she said to me ďdonít ever feel stupid for caring about someone.Ē which is, I guess, what it all comes down to.
Mira rang again yesterday and I spoke to her for a little while, am meant to be at this event tonight where sheíll be and I just know sheís going to expect me to go out with her afterwards. I really hate that sheís affected me this much. I hate the person she tries to be when Iím around her, itís this big front and itís exhausting. And Iíve not reason or desire to cater to it and I think that makes me a bit of a cunt and Iím not really used to treating people this way, but in this case I feel like itís necessary.
Tara said me to me last night ďyou care too much Gwennie, you feel things too stronglyĒ and sheís right. Iíve always been that way and it seems impossible to anaesthetize myself to it.