2001-08-06, 9:24 p.m.,

So very much to say....i'm sure this will turn into a few different posts...

For the longest time i wanted someone in my life that loved me for me, not for all the things i do for them, but just because i was who i am. I spent so much time being important to people because of what i gave them, how well i took care of them, etc.

And now i have what i wanted..in two different people. Be careful what you wish for huh? I have maxine, who i could adore and talk to for hours after hours and tell her how badly i wish i could be there to give her the attention and affections she deserves, but i can never be there for her in that way. So i have her on an emotional and intellectual level, but without the physical aspect. And i dont necessarily mean as a sexual respect either, just to hold onto her, hold her hand things like that. And i have katelyn who i adore and have so much respect for and i know she loves me, i do know that. But what do we have? we have an incredibly intensely passionate physical realtionship, she makes me laugh, and well.....and what?

So i wake up in the night and i feel this small soft body pressing into me and i resent her. I hate that shes so small and needs me so badly. I hate that it hurts me to hurt her, i hate the look on her face when i'm telling her about something that makes me so happy but instills this fear in her that she'll lose me......

when did i become this person?

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My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
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