2001-08-23, 1:06 p.m.,

so last night was interesting, i know katelyn is getting upset more and more with me but you know her, she'll never tell me about it. She sat out on our front porch smoking cigarettes one after another until i got offline to come out to her. I asked her if she was ok and she said to me "i just miss you." I then told her that she sees me more than anyone else does and she fell silent again. I've realized i have a bit of a weakness when it comes to her.

Katelyn is by far one of the strongest girls i know, the things shes been through, the emotional strengh she has, not to mention for her size, she's just all round a little toughie, but its immediately as soon as i even suggests that we need to talk about something or that theres a problem, she crumbles and becomes so small. I think i look at her as this paragon of strength and sometimes when she curls up next to me to fall asleep she looks so small to me, so weak and i hate her for that. i hate that she needs me so much.

I've been thinking so much lately about what i'm doing and why i'm doing the things i am, but i cant feel bad. I cant feel bad for being in love with maxine and i'm not sorry i am at all. So whats more important, pleaseing myself or pleasing someone else? it a thin line, yes.....and i'm so used to compromising what i want to make others happy. I just cant do it this time, i cant. I need to do what makes me happy....

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My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
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