2001-09-01, 3:08 p.m.,

how twisted is it that i come home from work, but because i'm on duty i sit here and keep a close eye on my pager waiting for it to beep signaling a death. Scary thought that there are thousands of people doing their jobs just like me just sitting around waiting for people to die so they can go to work and make money.....creepy huh?

Yesterday we had to insert Mr Beecher's cremains into Mrs Bechers casket which has been inside a mausoleum for about 6 months as per his will. Yeah well i go into the mausoleum as they are releasing the crypt plate and not even realizing it walk straight into them placing mr beecher, i get like 10 ft away and this odd smell like wet fabric thats been sitting in the dark too long and has gathered mildew just permeates the air and i realize what they are doing and i'm like "oh, no I'm going no where near mrs beecher," so i get forced to come over to look at her and i'm praying that it doesnt give me nightmares....

Mrs Beecher....lets see....morbid curiosity i guess...her skin is so thin and like parchment paper so that if it were touched it would surely tear, you could see her skull through her skin and it apeeared as though she were wearing this thin white viel, but then i realized it was a think layer of whiteish-cream coulored mold growing on her face, it wasnt really all that gross per se. it actually looked rather fake. like if i were watching a horror movie i would have said "they could have done better than that." huh..perhaps i'm desensitized from horror movies... you think?

anyway, it was strage yes. I left my locket at home with my mom for mrs kinchy, she mailed it back tome today, my mom said that she talked to her a few days ago...what in the world am i to do with it? I certainly wont wear the necklace....its odd..but i guess Abby's family is putting the ashes in their estate in Ny and planting a tree over it, i told them a white birch or a willow..it just suits hers i think... wonder if they will...who knows, i'll never visit. anywa,wow so much death in this post, that isnt good..perhaps i ned to think of something more cheerful to write about....

So I'm listening to Cowboy Junkies, god I love them.... and while I'm being all meloncholy I thought I'd add:

Odd how the darkness always makes us whisper, and with the last of the sun we can feel the approach of winter. Now is the time of each day that i desperately miss her. I suppose I will lean how to live my life without her. So I'm drinking for the pleasure of falling and falling for the pleasure of pretending that I'm sitting by the window waiting for her to come calling.

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