2001-10-21, 2:39 p.m.,

I'm so very glad that I'm leaving in 5 days...why? well for the obvious reasons of course and also because I'm certain i couldnt handle another week of this. I'm tired of putting on the happy face and pretending none of thiis bothers me, tired of pretending like its all ok and in just a few weeks I can come back from aussie land pack up my things and move and have it be as simple as that.

Maxine says to me today that she's always crying and I feel so badly that i cnat be there to make this better for everyone, but its so insanely frustrating that no matter what i do I'm displeasing someone. I hate that she thinks she cant call my house, i hate that knowing if she called and katelyn answers the phone, i'm certain katelyn will attempt to do anythign and say anythign she can to hurt her feelings because she so hurt herself right now that all she wants is to make me and maxine feel as badly as she does. Today she says to me "I just feel like the other woman." My love, i wish you knew how badly I'm trying to make it not be like that. That I'm trying to protect your feelings, make it easier for me to live with katelyn and try not to dwell on how torn I am right now. Its not easy trying to keep 3 peoples lives in balance so that we arent all at each others throats. So what? do I give up? let katelyn hate maxine as well as me, let her stop eating and cry everytime she sees me? Let me hate living there until i can get everything in order to get out?

I really need to get out and very soon.

Hmm..remember when my life was easier and i had an excellent well paying job, close friends that lived nearby, a social acceptable "boyfriend" that loved me and the only concern i had was the heroin addict that crawled into my bed randomly in the middle of the night just to sleep the night through.....

was it better then? would i trade it for th eway my life used to be? Katelyn said that to me last ngiht when we were talking about abby. "I know you'd give up everything right now, no matter what or who it was to have her back with you."

Would I? good question...some days yes, more days then not, no.

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