2001-12-20, 12:48 a.m.,

Busy busy day....

I was packing up clothes from my closet and came across the infamous camping sweater, My god how many trips has that thing survived through? Years of hiking, rock climbing, wood smoke and falling asleep in tents with it. All worn out wool with holes here and there, but so many awesome memories. and then, right next to it, Abby's sweater, so small and red wool, hers also equally worn through... so i was going through this "do i really need this or can i trash it?" phase and both sweaters made me stop and i folded hers up and went to put it in the garbage bag, then i smelled it, big mistake. Huge mistake. I got all teary and put it back with mine, deciding to wait before i threw them out, why? I dont know. But i still find myself talking to her, feeling her around. i'm driving myself mad i'm sure of it. So i smell the sweater and immediately tell her i miss her and tell her goodbye and go to throw it out and i cant do it? its fabric, its a piece of dyed wool.... whats wrong with me right? Wonder if i'll ever get over it. Katelyn says to me the other night "you're gonna wander around forever trying to find what abby took with her and you wont find it because shes gone." but you know, the thing i had with her was intensity, granted most of the time it was me hating her intensity, but intensity nonetheless...and i have that now, i finally have this overwhelming need for someone and my feelings become too much for me, only this time its far better because i've never loved anyone like this, never....

also today i finally got around to getting a bit of shopping done for christmas and all, so i'm inthe store and right next to me walks up this girl who is a dead ringer for anie, i swear, but anie pre-dreads. i turned and was like basically face to face with her, she just smiled, said excuse me and walked by but i couldnt believe how much she looked like her, Weird but my entire chest just tightened for a second....why does that happen???

i cant believe 2 days and i see my maxine again, it doesnt seem real. Its been the longest 6 weeks ever, it seems like months ago i was there with her and we were laughing and watching movies, making love and sleeping in our bed, tangled up in purple sheets.... cant wait to have her back...shes in so so much trouble ;)

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