2002-07-06, 10:10 p.m.,

sometimes there's so much in my head that i dont know where to begin. Still at my parents house and my sister is here with the baby for a few days. I cant get over how strange it is to see her as a mom now, so much responsibilties and her life is so different. I often like to think that i could have a child one day, but frequently i realize more and more that the liklihood of that happening is slim to none. I dont see maxie as a mom and i think that things such as traveling will end up taking a front seat to child rearing. Maybe I'll just be a wonderful auntie, but i really wish i were so much closer sometimes.

What else to say? I've been thinking about Anie a lot lately. Sometimes i cant remember how much i've put in here about her and what i've chose to leave out. But I've slowly come to the decision (and its a long overdue one) that i'm going to let her know that I'm no longer going to chase after her to maintain a friendship. She never calls, never returns emails or responds to letters. If i'm luky and i do catch her at home i get a 20 minute rendiditon of how terrible of a freind she is because she doesnt stay in contact, swears up and down she misses and loves me then i dont hear from her for months again. For months we were so close as friends then when i went to amsterdam i immediately became the center of her world and she was madly in love with me for 2 weeks and when i said i couldnt stay I got the official "well that was fun, bye" kiss-off. She has no idea what shes done to me...think she ever will? Sometimes i just cant believe the situations i put myself into to be with her (sounds like someone else i used to datem,huh?)Anyway, it seems to me that if I were to never send another email, another letter, never make another phone call, i sincerely believe i wold never hear from her again. So i'm going to tell her this.....and gracefully, painfully cut her from my life. How do i so easily lose people? they just step out and i never see then again.

I think i may see Susan (mrs kinchy) again before i go, her lonliness really got to me. I feel bad thats shes so alone now.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
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