2002-07-08, 10:16 p.m.,

I had a huge huge day today.

The baby left, sarah went back home. I was saying goodbye to the baby and realized i dont know when i'll see him again. Probably in a year or so, and by then he'll be walking, talking. I'll be missing so much. He'll look so different. I think he's the only one i'll be so upset about being away from.

After they left I went into the guest room and opened up the closent thats packed beyond belief with boxes and boxes of things that my sister and I have stored here. So i dragged it all out, ipened up evey box and decided what was being trashed, what was coming back with me, and what i would comtinue to store. I found a bunch of tuff of abby's and immediately began crying...

I really thought i was over this by now. So I called her mom and went back over. We had tea and a very long talk about her. It really gave me such a different view of what i thought i knew. It's like taking somthing you think you have all figured out, like working on a puzzle and you have it almost complete... then you realize that the whole thing has been upside down the entire time, so you turn it around and see a picture of something completely different. She was telling me how they knew about her heroin use, they had given her the ultimatum of going to rehab or losing her trust fund, and she walked away from her family. Her mother is so torn. I know how lonely she is and it really breks my heart. She kept going on and on about how lovely it was to have a girkl around the house to chat with. I think she just misses having a daughter. we talked about the night abby died. I was in Arizona when it all happend but apparently she was so fucked up on heroin she gave herself her insulin 3 times in about 90 minutes. Each time not remembering she had done, unless it was intentional, I'll never know. went into her insulin coma and stayed that way the rest of the night and most of the next day, before dying that afternoon. Her mom told me that her weight was dangerously low, her arms were so badly damaged that the doctors had the worst time getting needles into her and her mom said she was having continual siezures, her breathing and heart rate would keep stopping. I dunno, i felt bad not being there and her mom said to me "it was better you werent ther, it was terrible to see." which now makes me think she suffered a great deal. Her mom said she was 88 pounds. Can you believe it? When i saw her last i was nauseated at how thin she'd become, how transparent her skin was. Anyway.....

Tonight I went with my mom to their neighbors house (which is nearly a half mile away) we walked there. The woman Clair is amazing. She's exactly what i want to be at 65. She has 3 masters degrees, works at a library now for the fun of it, has huge gardens (4 of them) and just reads and travels all the time. Anyway, clair and john (her husband) have a daughter, 30 years old, named margaret. Now clair, at every opportunity will tell me how she and I (Maggie) and I, are so much alike. Maggie is 30, never married, no children, lives in philly.... she's coming to visit thursday and clair wants us to meet cuz she knows we'll get along so well. *I have a sneaking suspicion Maggie is family*

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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