2002-07-09, 10:02 p.m.,

There's absolutely no point in me being at my parents home. I've done all the visiting I wanted to do and I'm left with nothing but to sit here, continually post in this diary and dwell on how much i miss my mackie and how miserable i am away from her and dwell on my memories of a long dead girl from my past...this has to be terribly unhealthy.

So i dwell on Abby and I cant get away from my memories of her here. I remember silly things about us.

I remember how since we were 9 we spent nearly every night at each others houses. We'd sleep in the same beduntil sh eleft for college. And even when we were young we'd go to sleep clothed, and she'd have everything off us by morning. Nothing happend until we were 18 (or thereabout) but still, we'd sleep curled up, unclothed together. We'd kiss, nothing full on, just little pecks, sometime pecks that would linger, but nothing more. We were always always so physical. Weird huh?

I remember how when she began to get sick (her depresion) she would do things to test me, like the night in the cafe with karalynne when she pressed the knife into my arm until i told her to stop and i wouldnt tell her because i had to beat her that time, i couldnt let her win. It was a groteques battle of wits and we sat there eyes locked, my arm bleeding because i wouldnt ask her to stop. Karalynne freaking out and yelling at her.

I remeber even later when her addiction was at its worst she broke the windshield on her car in NY because I made her promise to lay off the heroin for just one weekend and after 7 hours she was going through withdrawl and I had hid both her wallet and her drugs. I told her where it was when she walked into the house and pushed her cigarette into my arm out of spite, then i took the train home and didnt see her for months.

I remember being curled up on her sofa watching telly when her mom called and she sat on the floor, wrapping the phone cord around her arm to inject herself while chatting about everyday family stuff with Mrs kinchy.

I remember her curling up and holding onto me, crying because she claimed she loved me so much it made her unable to breathe.

I remember the party at her house when in the early hours we went to bed, leaving just 3 or 4 people in the house. We made love and fell asleep, just hours later she woke, went back out to the party and let some random guy come into her room to sleep in her bed, knowing i was in there unclothed. She thought it would be funny to scare me.

I remember how we'd go to clubs and just stay up until all hours having an amazing time, being alive, coming hom et 4 and 5 am, sometime later and just be absolutely unstoppable by all means, we'd laugh, talk, make love, and i would be so intensely in love with her.

I'll never understand her, although everyday i struggle to. She was addicted to hard core heroin, on lithium and god knows what else, violent, passionate, intense, beautiful, by far the most intelligent person i know (although her common sense left something to be desired)manic depressive, diabetic, absolutely dramatic and well, unforgetable.

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