2002-07-10, 11:13 p.m.,

I'm thinking far too much today, and i'm posting far too much these past 2 weeks. I'll never be more thankful in my life to get on that plane and escape the craziness here. I spent a huge amount of time thinking about things, about people in my life (past and present) and i've realized a lot about myself.

No matter what i do, i will never ever understand abby. I'll never understand who she wanted me to be and whay she did the things she did or said the things she said. She was mental ill, very very ill, and she probably didnt understand herself. It'll never make sense to me. Would i wish her back into my life? never. never. never. my life is far better without her in it and while i'm not glad she's dead, i'm glad she's no longer a part of me.

People will not always love me and care about me the way I care about them. I cant hold my friends (kate, brian, anie) to a standard of what i expect from them based on what i give them. So i chased them around to remind them i'm still alive, so i remember silly things like birthdays...so what? Am i a better person because my friends remembered my birthday? No, its not a reflection on my and all i can do is continue to love them regardless of what they do.

I've never loved anyone the way I love maxine. Never. (and i'm not saying this cuz i know you read it, love)But I've never loved smeone so completely, so effortlessly. Knowing there's nothing in the world that would make me love her less. I love the small intimacies about just being us, things about her only i know. Letting her see the real me, the private me. Being in a huge room of people and making eye contact and having this knowing look that gives me goosebumps. Knowing the exact smell of her hair, her skin. Knowing just what she smells like after a shower, after we make love, after we've been outside at the park in the sunshine.

I've never been homesick a minute in my life. I'm the worst travel junkie in the world i swear. But the moment our hands unclapsed at the airport, i've been homesick like you wouldnt believe. It doesnt get any better. I want to come home to her. I want to make her smile, i want to hear her laugh, i want to wrap my arms around her so tight that i can feel her heartbeat. I want to fall asleep next to her, kiss her behind her ear and down her neck and whisper goodnight. I was in the habit of doing that everynight, and now, well, i'm lost.

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