2002-08-24, 11:58 p.m.,

Can't sleep.... I should be exhausted and physically i am, poor maxie had the longest day and she's curled up, sound asleep and my mind is reeling.

I was thinking about this wedding thing and abou tmy friends here. or should i say my lack thereof. Sems like all the people i know here in Oz are either people i work with or friends i've inherited from Maxine. Which is fine I suppose, it's just that sometimes i think of what it would be like if i never left philadelphia. Never left for arizona, South carolina. I'd still have all my college buddies. Seems like i try so hard to keep in touch with my oldest friends in the world... I mail out postcards and letters by the dozens. Honestly though, accuartely speaking, I mail at least 1 letter or postcard a week to 3 specific people back home (Kate, Anie and Brian) have I yet to receive anything from either of the three? Nope. Do I get any emails? Nope. Phone calls? Nope. Not unless i call them, not unless I make the effort. Is it worth my time? Seriously is it that hard to stay in touch with someone you care about? Seems easy enough for me. Birthday cards (and gifts in some cases) to all three of them. Did I get an email on my birthday from any of them??? you guessed it-- Nope. So perhaps instead of writing my big kiss-off letter to Anie as i intended, I'd better make it three letters and find some new friends.

Loneliness has got to be the worst feeling in the world when you love people so much and you'd do anything for them and just because you move away you're forgotten. And now I have this wedding in October, something that means the world to me, someone that I'm spending the rest of my life with and I want to send them all invites, not because I expect them to come, but because they mean so much to me and they've helped me become who I am and i just want them to be a part of this. Just so they can call and say "hey, I'm happy for you." or email and say Congratulations....... doesn't seem too likely, does it?

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