2002-09-01, 10:48 a.m.,

So we volunteered to host a person in our home who's participating in the Gay Games, that' sheld here in early November. I won't necessarily get started on my feeling about the need for the gay games, but I thought it was a nice thing to do, host someone here who is travelling from another country to participate in it. So weve got our asignee, and she's from Tasmania. Not necessarily coming from a huge distance, but fair enough. We were kinda hoping for a non-australian just for the novelty of it, but does it really matter? not really.

So we've started emailing this girl back and forth and kinda getting to know her before she spends a few days in our home. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but something about her, just makes me a slight bit uncomfy. Something reminds me of a girl I used to know years ago that ended quite badly. I'm sure she's nice enough, i'm just being hesitant and cautious. Why do i always second guess myself when i try to do something nice?

Anyway, yesterday was Maxie's dad's birthday and the party started at 2 (huge family/friends get together at her parents) I had to work until 5 and i felt bad that maxie had to leave the party to come pick me up from work and take me back there. Anyway, her cousin (a guy I've met 3 or 4 times who seems nice enough) happend to be dropping his girlfriend off near where i work and maxie calls to tell me that he could just pick me up afterwards and bring me to the party. Here's where I panicked a bittle because i find situations like this so stressful to explain to people. It made sense for me to ride back with Christian, perfect sense, it saved maxie from leaving her father's party. But i get so nervous and uncomfortable around guys. I can't be alone with guys. I don't trust them and I felt so dumb thinking to myself that I'd rather just take the bus home and miss the party than spend 15 minutes in a car with a guy I've met a few times and is really nice. Why do i do this to myself? I really need to get over all the lack of trust in guys. Honestly, i think there's 3 men, 3 at all in my life i could be alone with for longer than 10 minutes and be comfy. Brian, my father, and brother. Sad hey?

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My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
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