2002-12-13, 9:41 a.m.,

So I've begun writing again *whew* It's about time really. Trouble is, this time it's so personal, literally all the things that have been swimming around in my head for the past nearly 3 years since Abby's death. This time I don't have the freedom of leaving things to fiction. If that makes sense. It's a personal account and therefore has to be (for all practical purposes) truthful. The tough part is, its easier to account for the bad things, because i can write an account of the horrible things she did the horrible things she'd say to me when she was really hard-core into heroin. But its much more difficult to account for and write about the good things, the way she made me feel when I spent time with her and she wasn't strung out, all the time before that. Strange that something that should be so easy to write, because i've lived through it, is proving to be the most difficult ever.

I got a phone call from my dear dear girl Tara. I have to admit it was a bit of a surprise to hear from her. Must call her back today because the poor thing called in the middle of the night, although she swore she was just going to bed.

Just a random side note, why do you think people associate love with the heart? Really when you think about it, its just another organ. And not even love, when people are being sincere they say "from the bottom of my heart...." Where's the association. Really it makes no more sense than saying "from the bottom of my liver." Perhaps because when people feel things you get that butterflies in your chest sensation that people must equate with their heart. But for a person like me, who's heart doesnt work properly... hmm..does that mean anything? Eh, anyway, a little off topic, just thinking.

I realized today that there's probably very little i can do at this point to make sure all the christmas gifts (that I haven't yet bought) will get to my family overseas in time for christmas. I'm really dissappointed in myself. I'm certain it'll take at least 10 days to get there and I have to spend tonight and saturday all day working. I swear I will never ever get used to stores closing at 5 p.m. basically everyday.

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