2003-09-24, 2:47 p.m.,

Just thought that while I got a few seconds away from the job I'll quickly put another entry in here.

I was so proud of myself last week when I (for once) stopped talking about what I was going to do and did it. You see, ages ago (in may) I sent Anie a birthday cardjust like I do every year on her b-day (because I never forget) but this time I thought I'd just clean it all out. So I said it all. EVERYTHING. Just wrote in there how I'll never ever consider what happend in Amsterdam to be a mistake and I explained again (how many years later??) why I couldn't stay there with her, why I couldn't just drop the entire world and not come back to the states to go running around in pretend world trying to keep a relationship that she wasn't willing to stick with once she came home and had to be around her family, friends, etc. You know the whole "I really love and I want to be with you, but I'm just not ready to deal with the politics of telling anyone I'm with a girl. So if you want to keep everything a secret and never let on we're together...." blah blah blah....

So I wrote her this letter and told her how much she meant to me and how much it's broke my heart that since the whole A*dam thing she isn't comfortable being friends. Sure she emails once in a great while and says she misses me and loves me and thinks about me all the time, but she doesn't. In fact I think if I were to stop keeping in touch with her I'd never hear from her again. I told her all this and then heard noting. nothing. So yes, it was a bit humbling to bare my soul and get absolute silence in return. When all I wanted was to have my friend back because she was so good for me and so amazing to know and now, after all this time she's basically a stranger to me.

Finally (because I'm a masochistic freak) I email her again, basically saying I'm spring cleaning my relationships and that I'm tired of trying so hard maintaining friendship and going all out to stay in touch with people while I'm on the other side of the world to never have them do the same. I told her we booked our tickets to come back to the states at Christmas and that I'd be in Philly and New York and I wanted to catch up with as many people as I could, but I didn't want to put myself all out if no one wanted to give me the time of day, so basically I asked if she's in or out. Are we friends or not?

So I get the typical email from her 2 days later saying she misses me, loves me, blah blah and then says but I've been so busy and tired lately because now I'm teaching yoga me me me me me....that I'll have to write more later......(still waiting for later.)

Why do I always love the self centered bitches of the world?

(disclaimer: this doesn't include you, maxie. Love you!)

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