2005-03-20, 11:52 p.m.,

Tonight was her show and I couldn't go. I just thought about how proud I was of her the day she played before and how I sat there thinkign that I couldn't believe I had someone so wonderful in my life and tonight, well tonight I wouldn't have been in the same position and to me that would be worse than going and dealing witht he emotional tension.

But Friday was brilliant, certainly one of the better nights I've had since the past two week, made much easier by a variety of distractions. And now It's getting easier.....or perhaps it's easier to distract me.

But I sent her a text messgae saying "you have no idea" in the wee hours of the am, but what I wanted to say is that she had no idea:

How much I missed her
how much I hated her
how much I loved her
how angry I was at her
how very different I'd be to her if she was with us that night
how very surprised she'd be to know
how very little she knows about the way this has played out in general.

I could've went on.

I do have to say how disappointed I am that for all the strength she has to do so many things in her life, she can't muster the strength to fight for me.

The next few weeks (come saturday on) are all I'm looking forward to. And those words will cirlce my mind....

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