2005-05-05, 11:07 a.m.,

Some random things to get out of my head before I go away for the weekend. Things that have congested my mind lately and taken up a bit of space, just because they can...and it won't make much of a difference to say them I suppose, but at least they are said.

1. She told me a few days ago that she was feeling alone was tired of maintaining a perfect image of herself. I'm not sure if she understands that even though people around us may have saw us as perfect, saw her as perfect, I loved all the imperfections and mistakes and everything we did and didn't do right. That's what made me want to stay. Not the "perfect-ness", but the challenge of sorting through the imperfections and wearing the scars or laughing about the stories later on. I think people admire that we could do that and that's what they saw as perfection.

2. Speaking of things we didn't do right, let me tell you a story. The day we married, we forgot our rings. Lost them actually. I lost them. In the very real way that it happens in movies, I tucked them away for safekeeping in a little bag and when we drove off to the place our ceremony was held I was so sure I had the right little bag and never once checked and guess what. I didn't. In fact, I couldn't remember where I "safe kept" them and it wasn't until nearly 2 weeks after that I found them.

Over a year ago, while in London, she lost her rings. Left them in the bathroom at Heathrow Airport and they were gone.....we had to get them replaced. I gave the jeweller mine and he made hers again, to match. We went without them for two weeks.

About 6 months ago, the "wedding' band of my two rings had broken at the seam where the ring was bonded, it was the far thinner of the two rings. I kept intending to go to the jeweller to have it fixed, but never had the chance to.

Surely, surely, had I , had we just paid attention in the two years since the wedding we should have realised there were signs here. Those rings we not meant to be worn.

3. I worry about writing my letter to immigration in a few months. The letter that says we're still together, still in love and that our relationship is true and genuine in every way it should be. I worry because I'll have to fill pages with words I don't know how to generate. I don't know how to say or what to say. I pride myself on being sincere and meaning exactly as I say and saying exactly as I mean and it just seems that I'm not really going to know what to do or what to say. Of course I can speak past tense, but surely a reader will notice this.

I shouldn't let myself worry about it or panic, but I think it's something I may need to start working on within the next month or so. And I don't want to read hers. Not a word, because I'm not sure my heart could handle another lie.

4. I've learned that sometimes people lie to you because they love you and sometimes that means lying to your face when you've asked them so desperately for the truth. And because of this, I don't anticipate that I'll ever completely trust anyone again.

Yeah, so it's a bit of a downer entry and it's not because I'm feeling down. In fact I'm really very much looking forward to getting away for the weekend and just enjoy disappearing for awhile. Just some things that have been weighing on my mind over the past few weeks.

Now, off I go to my weekend. Will have plenty to write about on my return I'm sure.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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