2005-05-18, 9:21 a.m.,

Had a rough night on Monday. I’m convinced it’s something with the energy in the house. Sometimes when I’m there alone at night, I just get so depressed. I need to move out and as fast as I can. The place is too big for just me, ever with her there so often, it just seems so spacious. I close a door to a room and will go a week sometimes before opening it. Ghost rooms—like little ghost towns.

Anyway Monday night I began writing my statement for my visa, forced to come up with some believable story about he future plans we have together as a couple and how we are very much still in love. It was all a bit much—so hard on the emotions when everything ha been so trying already and I just didn’t see much use in putting either of us through some big charade.

Then I remind myself of everything else. The amazing friends who are very much my family here, the girl, the fantastic job….and I need to stay.

But its so easy feeling bad yourself when I’ve only ever loved two women in my life so unconditionally, so completely and both—both of them abandoned me. One through death and one wanting a different life. And I don’t think falling in love is something I can ever do easily again. It’s not something I can ever trust whole-heartly and while that’s a bit devastating and sad, perhaps it’s the wisest thing in the world.

But things are going so well with her (the girl) that I need to constantly keep reminding myself not to rush it, not to need her.

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