2005-05-18, 9:21 a.m.,

Had a rough night on Monday. I�m convinced it�s something with the energy in the house. Sometimes when I�m there alone at night, I just get so depressed. I need to move out and as fast as I can. The place is too big for just me, ever with her there so often, it just seems so spacious. I close a door to a room and will go a week sometimes before opening it. Ghost rooms�like little ghost towns.

Anyway Monday night I began writing my statement for my visa, forced to come up with some believable story about he future plans we have together as a couple and how we are very much still in love. It was all a bit much�so hard on the emotions when everything ha been so trying already and I just didn�t see much use in putting either of us through some big charade.

Then I remind myself of everything else. The amazing friends who are very much my family here, the girl, the fantastic job�.and I need to stay.

But its so easy feeling bad yourself when I�ve only ever loved two women in my life so unconditionally, so completely and both�both of them abandoned me. One through death and one wanting a different life. And I don�t think falling in love is something I can ever do easily again. It�s not something I can ever trust whole-heartly and while that�s a bit devastating and sad, perhaps it�s the wisest thing in the world.

But things are going so well with her (the girl) that I need to constantly keep reminding myself not to rush it, not to need her.

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