2005-05-30, 11:40 a.m.,

I can only write what I know or perhaps what I've seen. Whatever truth you think might exist isn't visible by my eyes and I can only comment on what I know, not what I'm told because words don't mean much anymore.

If I'm wrong, show me differently.

The last few days have buzzed by so fast it was too quick to tell if they were real if it were for the experiences contained within them. Friday we had the family dinner thing, Saturday was a rush of running here and there, errands to catch up on, shopping and then a very late lunch and some home time before we went out to see the Lion King. Call me silly as I've been really excited to see this show for ages, but it seems like one of those "Disney on Ice" sort of things were it was very much child-centric. Not so at all, what a bloody brilliant show. Amazing and vivid and the costumes and just...wow. And it was so precious because all the African themes and languages and Nicole was like "hear that language, that's this dialect and that language..." It made her so excited for the trip to South Africa. I can't wait to go.

A very good friend of mine and old workmate is coming to work with me on the magazine, I can't tell you how excited I am about this and how much more fun my job is going to be because of it. And on Friday we're going out for Sinead's farewell drinks from old job, even though by then she'll already be here (Starts Thursday) Thing is that Nicole cant go (Friday family dinner ting) and that means that I'll be there and she will be there. SHE--and it's ok with us a little tense in that very good way. But there's heaps of super tension and long looks and well...yeah.

I saw her at the Cat Power show last but still chat with her a few times a week. It was a bit weird at Cat Power, the small hints and subtle comments. She's so unhappy where she is and wants that safety net to get out I think, but she's frightened and doing very silly things to herself to compensate. When I saw her at Cat Power she had a sleeve over her arm (those punk-style arm sleeves with the thumb holes) over her arm and I knew. She told me straight away and it kills me a bit to watch her do what I know all too well but I put on a smile, told her I understand how hard it is to get away from that when things are so hard, and she's such a beautiful girl with such a kind kind soul and I just don't know what's within my power to do.

But I found myself thinking about her a lot over the weekend. Not in that "I wish I were with her" way, just hoping this weekend was ok for her and that she's getting by ok. I guess I just worry about her a lot, she seems really alone within herself. She said to me at the Cat Power show "I figured it out. I don't have a reason to go, but I don't have a reason to stay." So I asked her "Are you just waiting around with him all this time for a reason either way?" And she looked at me so long, without anything to say and then just said, dead stare, unblinking. "Yes."

What can I do with that?

When she met Nicole at the show she really liked her, which is good because I was a bit worried it would be awkward and strange, but it wasn't. Anyway, don't really know what I'm continuing on about. This has gone on long enough....

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