2005-07-26, 9:42 a.m.,

It's a strange sort of situation I suppose where distance I think is the best thing.

Because after thinking so much on it last night, it's so unfair and disrespectful to my girl to have so much overlap in my life and the ex's.
She's tolerated enough and I've asked enough of her patience. The rest of us, we'll we signed on for all of this when everything got so involved and messy. My Nic, she didn't sign on for any of it. And I think I've asked enough of her tolerance.

But it works both ways I guess. If the ex wants to set up her life with (pardon my rudeness) a selfish and deceitful manipulator, she'll need the space to do that as well.

It's funny though, being asked to know I can rely on her. Because the more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Rely on her for what? To be honest with me? To be there for me when things get difficult and not run away to serve yourself? To protect my heart, my feelings and look out for my best interest? Um..well...doesn't seem to likely when above anything I think it's been proven that of anyone in the world, the two of them were the last two people I should have ever relied on and I think I would be an absolute idiot to risk my heart and my pride like that.

My girl asked me last night how I can hate the evil who's name I will never repeat so much and still be in contact with my ex, still care about my ex. Why put it all (the anger and blame) on one of them and not the other? My answer was that I married my ex and agreed to love her no matter what. That was the deal, I took that very seriously. I never agreed to love the ex best friend. And..I know deep down that Max's actions aren't a reflection of who she is as a person. I remember what I loved about her and am confident that one day I'll see those qualities about her resurface.

Anyway, a huge day of meetings today and my one year review for my little sister this evening. Off I go...

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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