2005-11-22, 1:40 p.m.,

Every time work girl asks me to walk down and get lunch with her, I know I'm in for it. I get a healthy dose of "oh my god, what if I'm a lesbian...do you think I am, etc. etc. "

My girl and I had a chat about it last night sort of half heartedly and I told her today that we thought that once the inclination is there it will just haunt you until you do it. Then your just going to want to do it again to feel less self conscience and then you're done for, you don’t stop.

I told her I reckon she should just do it and accept the fact that she's fucked. Might as well enjoy it. This seemed to please her. I did not however offer to help her make transition.

This last weekend we had a weekend of parties and encountered a drunken friend who sent me a message yesterday apologising for her behaviour, claiming she couldn’t remember what she may or may not have said or done and hoped she didn’t do anything inappropriate. Last night my girl and I thought we’d play a little trick on her and I sent her a text message telling her that I just remembered an offer she made and wondered how Thursday night suited her. She immediately demanded that I tell her exactly what she said, so I kept her going (I did feel bad for playfully fucking with her head but my evil girl encouraged me to keep it up just a bit longer) After a bit of taunting and convincing her that she offered herself to us, I rang her and had a laugh and told her we were messing with her. She found it very amusing. Five minutes after I spoke with her I got a message asking what would have happened if she really did offer.

Yeah, we thought we were just having fun, but the girl and I walked right into it. I told her that I wouldn’t rule it out but I’d been badly burnt by letting a friend too close ad it probably wouldn’t be something I’d set out to do.

Yeah, that totally backfired.

But we went to this cocktail party thing at the Metro and they had this private performance by Sarah Blasko. She’s so awesome. It was such a small and intimate setting and there were just so many wankers there that didn’t at all appreciate who she was or what she was doing. I found it a bit disheartening. But she’s really great and has this amazing voice, both speaking and singing. And secretly I reckon she looks like my girl. Although my lovely one argues that.

We were at this house party on Saturday and Maxie was there. We did get a chance to chat for a little bit I literally had just come home from my trip the day before and was telling her about how I went snorkelling in the ocean. She seemed surprised as though it were something she would never imagine me doing. It made me really sad in a way, thinking how meek she must have thought I was all those years never knowing that I am capable and even pursuant of experiences like that. It reminded me of what marque said ages ago about how often people don’t remember relationships for how they really are or were, they see them in a way people encourage them to or how they decide it’s best for them to remember it. Made me really sad to think there might be so much about me that she doesn’t know or hasn’t seen. Not that it matters much. It’s just sad.

Sad in the way that a few days ago my friend sent me the website to this new business she’s launched in the US with some friends of hers. I haven’t seen her in years and when I looked at her photo I had to strain to recognise her. She looks so cosmo girl....so very NOT the girl I remember.

It happens.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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