2005-12-21, 12:00 a.m.,

My sleeping is totally out of whak, I'm awake until about 4-5 in the morning then sleep until noon.

Went with my mom to hospital today. She went in and we knew she was going to be awhile so I met abby's mom for coffee. She has aged so much in the 3 years since I've seen her. She's living alone ina new house not too far from their old one and volunteers a billion hours for some adult illiteracy program at the library. I told her about the book and how she would probably recognise so many things in it. She smiled and said she looks forward to reading and that she's sure she'll enjoy it. I'm not so sure. But at least I told her.

When I went back to get my mom she wasnt ready yet. They called my father to come down because my mom needs surgery. And she's deathly afraid. So she's putting the operation off for one week to see if she can pass the kidney stones on her own. The doctor gave her a stronger pain killer. He gave her vicodin. I'm all like "mom, get those" she's like "no, I dont want to because the pain killers make me sick to my stomach."
I dont know, the thought of an unfilled perscription for those things just wasting around the house seems criminal. She's dead set on putting off the operation so she isnt in hospital over christmas. I can understand why but I also know how bad she's hurting. SHe has an incredible threashold for pain and just sits quiet and doesnt say a word when I know how much it's killing her.

This evening we went to get groceries for christmas dinner and On the way out she says "oh I need to run to the pharmacy." So I tell her to go while I put the bags in the car for her so she doesnt have to lift things." Then she does this whole "no no, I'll come help you then we can go." And I heard myself repeat something I have heard said to me a thousand times over....

"Why won't you let people do something nice for you?"

I am my mother. Exactly like her. And I now realise how absolutely fucking frustrating it must be for people who try to donice things for me and I wont let them because I'm too worried about being a hassle.

I'm doing all aI can to take care of her. I get the secret language of how bad it is and I'm trying to just do things around the house for her without her really knowing or realising.

I hope she gets these things over and done without the surgery. I hate seeing her like this.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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