Just catching up on my posts I couldnít put in here without internet access. Itís a bit longer than the norm. And for the record, I feel much better now. Going to the doctor tomorrow so weíll see what happens. Train journey was amazingÖmore on that later.
Monday Feb 6, 2005
Not Sure when I Ďll actually get to post this into my diary but Iím on the train with my laptop just thinking that I should write out a lot of whatís in my head lately and post it the nest time Iím anywhere with internet access, At the moment Iím not anywhere near much of anything but a whole lot of red red sand and busland. Just watching it pass from my humble cabin with itís huge picture window. Sort of clichť, but like a movie passing by.
I wasnít going to well the night before I left for the trip. Not entirely sure if it was a combination of a few things or what but I went to this work dinner on Friday night and toward the end I just got a bit quiet and sad.
Saturday I spent the day on the verge of tears thinking something awful was going to happen. I was convinced that while I was away on this trip I would come home and something drastic would have happened. I was panicking all day to the point where at about 1 in the morning when my girl had gone to bed I went into the bathroom and took a shower and I was shaking and crying and I just sat in the floor wrapped in a towel crying for no reason at all, its not good and thereís a few things I think I could attribute it to, but who really knows.
To make it worse, I havenít been feeling well. Iíve been neglecting a few things and keeping myself so distracted with work and my lovely one that I just havenít been paying proper attention to myself , Iíve been getting head spins a lot and Iím always really dehydrated , my hands and feet are continually cold, clammy and tingling. And Iím running to the bathroom to pee every ten minutes from all the water drinking Iíve been doing.
Diabetes runs in my family on both sides and I donít think itís any secret that itís in the mail for me in coming years but I think I need to get tested when I come home because that time seems to be now.
And Iíve just finished reading a book that I probably should have put away halfway through, I should have put it down after page 2, But I kept reading and itís affected me pretty badly. Itís a book called Lucky by Alice Sebold that is essentially an account of her rape when she was a freshman at university, Itís got me thinking a lot about my experience in university, although not quite nearly as violent as hers.
But reading her book has just brought back a lot of my insecurities and made me realise how I donít talk about it and how much of it I keep in because really, who wants to hear about it?
She was saying that how after you tell someone what happened, whether it be a friend or a lover, you change in their eyes, Either its admiration or awe or sometimes repulsion, how some people feel as though itís their mission to pull you back from it. But you donít ever get back, you sort of save yourself or stay there.
Sections of the book were talking about post traumatic stress disorder which is what I was being treated for in Arizona, in the book it was saying how people who have it donít have a normal baseline of alertness that we are on this elevated level of continually being alert, constantly expecting danger. More sensitive to noise, have poor reaction to unexpected stimuli, take longer to fall asleep and wake more frequently during the night. It reconditions the nervous system. And it does. I am in a constant state. Of waiting for people to betray me and fuck me over, I expect this from people and never really fully trust them . And while many have accused me of putting walls up and being hard to get to know itís because I know what people are capable of and I anticipate it and would rather be on guard at a distance, Itís not that I donít want people to know me or be friends with me, I guess I just donít trust them and it takes me a long while to trust them completely and when I do, Iím inevitably disappointed by them.
I hate being surprised, I hate being ticked and touched unexpectedly I donít sleep well ever. I hate noise and bright lights and would probably (and have quite often while home alone) spend days in the darkness of my house without ever turning on a light or music or television.
Regardless, the book has brought back a lot of nightmares and Iím weary and tired and last night while asleep on the train feeling the bouncing back and forth on the rockiest part of the track I was convinced that we would derail, And again I had a panic attack envisioning the cars slamming into each other at 100km crushing each cabin and the folks inside them in a desert where n o one would come for you for hours, I laid in bed thinking of everyone I loved and if they would be ok with me disappearing forever, Itís madness now, I realise that , But at the time I resigned myself to dying in a massive train wreck. But this morning I awoke to a deep orange sunrise pouring in over hot red sand and Iím still alive. Although I couldnít go back to sleep,
And today this carriage is very much like the episode of sex in the city where Samantha and Carrie travel by train and the shower and the toilet are all in the same little compartment. The toilet folds down from the wall and itís all very compact and snug and just unbelievably a fantastic and unique way to travel. Iíd definitely do this again, perhaps next time do the one that goes east west from Sydney to perth,