2006-04-26, 10:54 a.m.,

Yesterday after meeting a friend for lunch and a drink I came home around 4:00 and kept my jacket and scarf and all that on because I knew we would be leaving again in just about 10 minutes. So she rang to say she was on her way and in a matter of about 10 minutes I rested my head back on the pillow and was sound asleep when I heard her come through the gate. Normally it takes me ages to fall asleep but I must have conked out in about 30 seconds. Then I spent all yesterday evening so tired it was almost too much of an effort to keep my head up.

But we went to the Sheila fest to see all the girl bands playing and mostly to catch up with a few friends. I know this girl who was always a friend to both maxie and I for the years that we were together but she’s known maxie much longer. During the break up she rushed in to be Ms consoler insisting she knew just what it was like to be in my situation and blindsided by a break up. For months she was emailing me, offering advice and being there to talk to, without me really asking her to at all. How fortunate I thought it was for me to have someone who genuinely was staying neutral and unbiased and just talking and being supportive of both of us.

One day (this was ages ago) after endless emails back and forth, she “accidentally” forwards me all my emails back to me and at the very beginning she has written a commentary (which was obviously meant to be be read by someone other than me), explaining how she thought she has been polite but firm with me and mentioned all the things they had talked about, etc. Within minutes I get another email from her apologising, saying how bad that must have looked. But she was feeling a bit stressed out and meant to send my emails to her friend in the US who she was talking to and was asking for advice on what to tell me, etc. She apologised profusely and asked if she could maybe back out of it and not chat with me anymore regarding the break-up and such because it was stressing her out.

Oddly enough that same day I hear from max who has a HUGE go at me about involving friends and complaining about how I’ve lost some of our joint friends, etc. I’m wondering how stupid she (Danielle, not max) really thinks I am. I’m wonder how she can’t possibly know how obvious it is that she needs to have all information from all parties all the time. She is queen of information and as long as she knows everything, she controls the world around her.

I didn’t respond to Danielle’s email saying that it was ok. I didn’t pretend that I believed she meant to send my emails to her friend in the US when I knew damn well who she meant to send them too.

In an ironic twist of fate, I ran into her Ex a few days after that, who gave me a bit of insight and info into the real story of their break up. And within a week pieces fell together, the real story about her little “embezzlement fiasco” with her old work and what really happened. How legally she needed to cut all ties with Danielle to save her own ass.

The next day I was bombarded (as I knew I would be) with messages from Danielle wanting to “talk” again, wanting to know what was said. Saying to me “I know you know what it feels like to not know the truth in a relationship and I would really like for you to tell me what she told you...blah blah.” Nice try. Just say the truth “I’m scared shitless of how much you know and when you’ll tell everyone else in the group the truth.”

She doesn’t talk to me anymore. The last two times she’s seen me socially I couldn’t have put more space between us in the room if we were both desperate to do so. I find it hysterical, knowing how much she must panic, knowing how transparent she is to me and how vulnerable that makes her.

And I’m a huge fan of poetic justice. I’ll never tell the gritty sordid details, dear girl. They’ll all stay safely with me, because I enjoy knowing a good secret much much more than I’ll ever enjoy telling.

That said, I left last night before seeing Max play. We stayed enough to watch a few bands and another girl I know play.

When my Gerda Wegener art book arrived last week I was so excited. The I went onto Christies Art Auction site and found another very similar hand drawn book that sold at auction for 18,000 Euro. I nearly fell over. I must must get it appraised very soon. I’m not getting my hopes up but oh dear......
When I first bought it I wanted to tell Max about it because I thought she would be so excited. When I saw her yesterday and told her it was met with a little less enthusiasm as if I were telling her about the coffee I had for breakfast. I’m finding the more and more that I’m in a situation to talk to her the less I have to say. I guess it comes from not knowing someone anymore. 8 months ago it was so important for me to keep her in my life after so long and so important for me to remain friends and now it just seems like an idea that neither of us really seem to want but pretend we do because we think we should. Who knows. Her sister still keeps me updated on her life and her engagement, etc. but I just feel like that whole section of my past has been sucked out of my memory, like I made it all up.

It’s always nice to see her face, but lately, particularly last night I felt like I barely knew her at all and in my full on struggle to stay awake, it just seemed to make more sense to go, get dinner and spend well deserved time at home.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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