2006-07-18, 11:09 a.m.,

Today I really simply just don't care about pretty much anything.

Seriously, I could drop dead this moment and it would make very very little difference to me.

My grandfather went into heart failure yesterday and after lengthy surgery we�re all just waiting. Really all you can do. It�s not the first time this has happened, or the third in the past year, he�s been really ill and he doesn�t really want to be here anymore I don�t think. Since my grandmom died about 2 years ago, he�s sort of just let go. He�s lonely and I think he feels like he�s done all he can and wants to do. This is exactly what happened last time though. My grandmother passed literally weeks before I got to come home. I go to the US in about 3 weeks.

It�s all sort of been really exhausting and getting over being sick and now the magazine is becoming so busy that I�d almost be willing to sacrifice half my salary to pay a uni student to help me out part time. If I could afford to sacrifice half my salary. With the mag so busy it literally requires me out at events every night of the week, which I believe is how I got sick in the first place. I�m trying so hard at the moment to take it easy and nurse this god awful sounding cough but I simply have too much to do with work and moving and the launch and going home. I�m not really seeing much of anyone at the moment as event the novelty of all my fun freebies sort of starts to wear off. It sort of goes like this:

ME: Hey, haven�t seen you in a million years, lets hang out.
THEM: yeah cool, lets go to a movie or out for a few drinks.
ME: Yeah, I have to spend the night on Friday at this stupid 5 star resort they just opened up and and you should come with me for dinner and drinks there. It�ll be fun, we can do a slumber party or something.
THEM: Um, is this a work thing?
ME: Yes working in that I have to write a story on it, but it�ll be just us.
THEM: But we did the 5 star resort thing last time, can we do something like normal people?

And that�s it folk. I know I shouldn�t complain because most people don�t get to do this stuff hardly ever. I do it 3-5 nights a week. And It�s really really getting old very very quickly. And it gets really sort of lonely. After yesterday I just was so exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally that all I wanted was to come home and just have a proper girlfriend to have a cuddle with. Not a dating girlfriend, just a proper girlfriend. One neither of us have to try with and can just be with...Not anything you�d have to think about, just someone who just is and we just are and that�s just it.

But everything lately is just so fucking complicated in every aspect of everything at the moment I simply can� t be bothered, which is really rather unfortunate because a hug and proper cuddle would probably do wonders, if I wasn�t so afraid it make me cry. And right now it�s sort of a fine line between keeping myself ok and totally losing it. It�s too hard at the moment to let people know how bloody tired I am because everyone else has their own shit and really there isn�t anything anyone can do about it anyway. And I�m certain I�ll get shit for writing about how absolutly fucking miserable I�ve been this week, and not ringing people up and saying �hey, I�m absolutely fucking miserable this week� but really what can be done about it?

So I�ll just keep waiting for my mum to call and let me know about my grandfather and write another fucking story about another fucking five star resort opening up.

Oh yeah, and it�s raining.

Prev, Next

Diaryrings: