2006-07-18, 11:09 a.m.,

Today I really simply just don't care about pretty much anything.

Seriously, I could drop dead this moment and it would make very very little difference to me.

My grandfather went into heart failure yesterday and after lengthy surgery weíre all just waiting. Really all you can do. Itís not the first time this has happened, or the third in the past year, heís been really ill and he doesnít really want to be here anymore I donít think. Since my grandmom died about 2 years ago, heís sort of just let go. Heís lonely and I think he feels like heís done all he can and wants to do. This is exactly what happened last time though. My grandmother passed literally weeks before I got to come home. I go to the US in about 3 weeks.

Itís all sort of been really exhausting and getting over being sick and now the magazine is becoming so busy that Iíd almost be willing to sacrifice half my salary to pay a uni student to help me out part time. If I could afford to sacrifice half my salary. With the mag so busy it literally requires me out at events every night of the week, which I believe is how I got sick in the first place. Iím trying so hard at the moment to take it easy and nurse this god awful sounding cough but I simply have too much to do with work and moving and the launch and going home. Iím not really seeing much of anyone at the moment as event the novelty of all my fun freebies sort of starts to wear off. It sort of goes like this:

ME: Hey, havenít seen you in a million years, lets hang out.
THEM: yeah cool, lets go to a movie or out for a few drinks.
ME: Yeah, I have to spend the night on Friday at this stupid 5 star resort they just opened up and and you should come with me for dinner and drinks there. Itíll be fun, we can do a slumber party or something.
THEM: Um, is this a work thing?
ME: Yes working in that I have to write a story on it, but itíll be just us.
THEM: But we did the 5 star resort thing last time, can we do something like normal people?

And thatís it folk. I know I shouldnít complain because most people donít get to do this stuff hardly ever. I do it 3-5 nights a week. And Itís really really getting old very very quickly. And it gets really sort of lonely. After yesterday I just was so exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally that all I wanted was to come home and just have a proper girlfriend to have a cuddle with. Not a dating girlfriend, just a proper girlfriend. One neither of us have to try with and can just be with...Not anything youíd have to think about, just someone who just is and we just are and thatís just it.

But everything lately is just so fucking complicated in every aspect of everything at the moment I simply caní t be bothered, which is really rather unfortunate because a hug and proper cuddle would probably do wonders, if I wasnít so afraid it make me cry. And right now itís sort of a fine line between keeping myself ok and totally losing it. Itís too hard at the moment to let people know how bloody tired I am because everyone else has their own shit and really there isnít anything anyone can do about it anyway. And Iím certain Iíll get shit for writing about how absolutly fucking miserable Iíve been this week, and not ringing people up and saying ďhey, Iím absolutely fucking miserable this weekĒ but really what can be done about it?

So Iíll just keep waiting for my mum to call and let me know about my grandfather and write another fucking story about another fucking five star resort opening up.

Oh yeah, and itís raining.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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