2006-08-24, 9:12 a.m.,

Sleep seems to be a soft cushy place somewhere far below me and I’m stuck on this shelf that won’t let me sink any lower into rest. And it’s even more exhausting because by some satanic miracle I’m also forced to hold the shelf up. And this morning again I was awake far to early, at 4:30. This time without the luxury of being able to get out of bed, turn on all the lights and find things to do. So I stayed in bed, listening to the rain beat on the bedroom skylight and jut think....alone in my head for an hour and a half.

But something wonderful last night happened. I came home and within about 20 minutes of being back she arrived, surprising me with cookies. And I cried like an absolute idiot, perhaps out of sheer exhaustion or because people don’t typically do things like that for me. I’ve always baked a long list of cookies and birthday cakes and such for people both on request and as surprises and I’m not accustomed to being on the receiving end of that.

The only other time is the surprise thanksgiving a few years ago where Maxie and Amanda baked a turkey on the hottest day ever because I was homesick and missing the holiday. Maxie even made a pumpkin pie with my mom’s recipe and I balled like a baby then too.

I suppose I’m not used to people just surprising me with niceties I haven’t asked for, or the type of niceties that really make you realise that they’ve thought of you. Not just sending flowers sort of thing but where the person has really gone out of the way to do something for you. I’m usually the one baking cupcakes that look like boobs for a friend who’d just had a reduction surgery or spending holidays looking for certain gift I know would have a special meaning to someone. Just thinking that someone has gone out of their way to bring me a gift not because I asked for anything but just because, well it made me feel really small and unsure of what to say.

And despite what people think they may know about me, I’m a very shy person. Really I am. So much of my confidence is strictly a work professional thing. I’m not shy all the time but I do succumb to bouts of sudden shyness which without warning undermine my determination not to be so.

And now I’m feeling silly and flattered and so not used to anyone fussing over me. I’m always the gift giver who find a reason or no reason to give gifts, and usually it’s a “I just saw this and knew you’d like it” gift to someone who I’m not even particularly close to, but it’s always worth it to see the genuine surprise on their face. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this one.

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