2006-08-24, 9:12 a.m.,

Sleep seems to be a soft cushy place somewhere far below me and I�m stuck on this shelf that won�t let me sink any lower into rest. And it�s even more exhausting because by some satanic miracle I�m also forced to hold the shelf up. And this morning again I was awake far to early, at 4:30. This time without the luxury of being able to get out of bed, turn on all the lights and find things to do. So I stayed in bed, listening to the rain beat on the bedroom skylight and jut think....alone in my head for an hour and a half.

But something wonderful last night happened. I came home and within about 20 minutes of being back she arrived, surprising me with cookies. And I cried like an absolute idiot, perhaps out of sheer exhaustion or because people don�t typically do things like that for me. I�ve always baked a long list of cookies and birthday cakes and such for people both on request and as surprises and I�m not accustomed to being on the receiving end of that.

The only other time is the surprise thanksgiving a few years ago where Maxie and Amanda baked a turkey on the hottest day ever because I was homesick and missing the holiday. Maxie even made a pumpkin pie with my mom�s recipe and I balled like a baby then too.

I suppose I�m not used to people just surprising me with niceties I haven�t asked for, or the type of niceties that really make you realise that they�ve thought of you. Not just sending flowers sort of thing but where the person has really gone out of the way to do something for you. I�m usually the one baking cupcakes that look like boobs for a friend who�d just had a reduction surgery or spending holidays looking for certain gift I know would have a special meaning to someone. Just thinking that someone has gone out of their way to bring me a gift not because I asked for anything but just because, well it made me feel really small and unsure of what to say.

And despite what people think they may know about me, I�m a very shy person. Really I am. So much of my confidence is strictly a work professional thing. I�m not shy all the time but I do succumb to bouts of sudden shyness which without warning undermine my determination not to be so.

And now I�m feeling silly and flattered and so not used to anyone fussing over me. I�m always the gift giver who find a reason or no reason to give gifts, and usually it�s a �I just saw this and knew you�d like it� gift to someone who I�m not even particularly close to, but it�s always worth it to see the genuine surprise on their face. I�m not sure if I�m comfortable with this one.

Prev, Next

Diaryrings: