2006-09-05, 10:43 a.m.,

Ok, I've sorted out that ms burlesque entertainer is definitely a lesbian. And she's rang me now 4 times in 2 days. The last time to tell me she's performing at the next Gurlesque and ask if I was coming. I'm certain this charming flirty thing is just what she does, and she does it well --but dear god she makes me squirm, which is the point of it I imagine.

Meanwhile I dropped stuff off for stieny last night and to check on her because I've been worried sick about her not feeling well. It absolutely breaks my heart to see her in pain and knowing I can't do anything to ease it. So I brought her some get well pressies, gave her a cuddle and let her rest, which is probably what she needs most anyway. And I gave her the gift I got when I was overseas, which she seemed amused with and I�m hoping made her feel a bit better at least in the superficial way that gifts can cheer you. But I still felt a bit like a dickhead giving it to her considering the circumstances it was purchased under. Don�t know, it�s a weird situation. I was speaking to tara yesterday and she said to me �don�t ever feel stupid for caring about someone.� which is, I guess, what it all comes down to.

Mira rang again yesterday and I spoke to her for a little while, am meant to be at this event tonight where she�ll be and I just know she�s going to expect me to go out with her afterwards. I really hate that she�s affected me this much. I hate the person she tries to be when I�m around her, it�s this big front and it�s exhausting. And I�ve not reason or desire to cater to it and I think that makes me a bit of a cunt and I�m not really used to treating people this way, but in this case I feel like it�s necessary.

Tara said me to me last night �you care too much Gwennie, you feel things too strongly� and she�s right. I�ve always been that way and it seems impossible to anaesthetize myself to it.

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