2001-08-13, 9:47 p.m.,

Theres still so much i want to say....

the whole time i was gone this weekend i kept thinking of her and how if i could just let things go all of our lives would be easier. so i spent so much time trying to convince myself i could do it. and i realized "why would i want to?" She makes me happy, plain and simple and i cant remember being happier. I couldnt forgive myslef if i let this go without going out there and just seeing for myself.

I was putting pictures on my desk today and stacey was asking me about the people in the pictures and looked at this photo of abby when she had her longish black hair and says to me "shes stunning, whos this" and i tell her and she says to me "oh does she live near here..and then i tell her she doesnt live much of anywhere right now and i sent the whole drive home thinking about her. Maxine suggested to me that i do somethign for some sort of closure and i was thinking that maybe i should but i didnt know what, so i was thinking that perhaps i would just write her a very long letter just telling her everything i didnt and couldnt tell her when she was alive. how much i loved and hated her at the same time. just so many things that seems so trivial, but i cant let them go.

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