2002-09-18, 1:41 p.m.,

Really starting to get mixed emotions on lots of things lately. Today was my volunteer day at the hospital and i sat and held this infant for awhile. To make a very long story short, her mother had twins, one healthy one and one not so healthy one. The mother comes in around noontime to spend a few hours with her ill daughter. The mother came in acting like it was the biggest hassle in the world for her to be there, walkign up and down the halway with her asleep healthy daughter in her arms, never once putting her down into her carriage. When i offered to trade infants with her (assuming since she hasnt seen her ill daughter all day and only gets to spend a short time with her, she would want to hold her.) she looked at me and said "no, i'll let you keep her, my arms are tired." My thoughts: She doesnt deserve this child. What a beautiful little girl she is too. So happy and well behaved. fair enough i dont know what she's been through, but still, it really bothered me.

I've been so paranoid lately about silly things. I worry incessantly that something will happen to maxie. I'm absolutely terrified of her being in an accident or being killed in some way. Everyday i think about this, what i would do if she were driving home from work and were killed....its not normal. Guess it's because i lost abby and never really grieved enough over it. In a way though, i expected her to die, so when the time came, sure i was devestated, but the grieving wasn't something i did well. I became really depressed and slept all the time, but never really cried. It's dumb and i know i'm being insanely silly....

but i've never loved anyone the way I love her and i feel like maybe it's owed to me to have soemthing i love taken away. I'm making little sense....time to go.

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