2007-03-19, 11:21 a.m.,

There's been so much happening lately I can't believe how slack I've become at writing in this diary. The past two weeks after my uncle died my family is still in continue drama about the whole situation and at the moment it appears as though the accident really wasnít accidental at all. Not the best news a family wants to hear.

I have to have surgery in about two weeks to have a wisdom tooth pulled. Not the biggest deal either I know as pretty much everyone takes it on at some stage but Iím not particularly in a position to pay for it when I have to sort out a ticket to go back to yankee land in July.

Anyway, took it upon myself last night to drink way too much come home and pass out by 9 pm (made falling asleep much easier than itís been lately) for about three hours to wake up to a list of missed text messages around 1130. So I showered, took some pain tablets, drank a glass of water and slept another 4. And by 4 am I was so awake there was simply nothing more I could do. I had a really weird ďSomeone in my houseĒ sort of thing happen last night and this morning Iíve had a lot of strange little signs. Call me a over imaginative freak but I have a feeling someone else in my family circle is about to make a departure and Iím guessing itís a male. Iím convinced of it and explaining why would just take too long. I really hope Iím wrong, particularly because the odds are that itís my grandfather (my moms dad who hasnít been well in years and is getting much worse lately.) Because something happening to him while my parents are in Ireland would destroy my mom.

So 4 am and freaked out by weird happenings in my house last night and without anyone to talk to I did the only reasonable thing I could do. Ring Canada and talk to my oldest friend in the world about really random things, using up all my mobileís international minutes. We had this long chat about how when your in your early 20ís like 20-25 it really is the years when you define yourself as a person and determine who you are and if your life is so heavily interwoven with someone elseís for the majority of that time you sort of define yourself through that person. Then when you lose them you donít really know who you are other than ďthat personís partnerĒ or ďThat personís best friendĒ or whatever. That you spent so much of your defining years conditioning yourself to be the other half of something that you never get a sense of you.

Iím watching it happen with someone I care about so much and itís heartbreaking and I realise it was much the same with Abby and I in that she and I were really the counterbalance of each other and even though we were always at war, we were each otherís constant opponent. When I lost her I felt like I suddenly wasnít sure what to do with myself if I wasnít arguing with her or taking care of her or worrying about her. And sadly it took me almost 5 years and writing a book to put closure on it. In some ways though I think I was lucky she died because having her not with me but still very much around would make it all that much harder to close it off and finally have myself back.

So in that respect I donít think I ever really discovered who I was as a person until I was about 27 or 28. And itís kinda sad because watching this person go through the same thing, being in their late 20ís and having very little sense of themselves, well yeah, I get it and itís hard when thereís nothing you can do to help.

Tara had the same thing with her ex and is still really coming to terms with it. Same thing, she now 29 and itís ruined every relationship sheís had for the last 5 years. Perhaps then in Abbyís death she gave me a huge gift, my life back.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27

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