2001-10-19, 11:36 a.m.,

went to the ani show last night...i fell like i have so much i want to say and its been forever since i've posted last. Tha show was great. Seeing her is like a breath of fresh air everytime, and to think i was growing a bit tired of her and all the sudden last night she just pulls out her guitar and sends everyone offstage and does a huge part of the show completely acoustic, damn i love that girl (great shoes too by the way, i admire a girl that has to wear monster size platform shoes to add a bit of height to herself)

So anyway, I had a some excellent conversations yesterday with people. Ashley and I talked over coffee before the show about katelyn and all the stuff shes going through. I guess katelyn called her after she read my emails and talked to ashley. Anyway, she was asking me what i wanted and was telling me what katelyn wanted and the hell kates going through to try so hard to fix things between us...needless to say ashley hates me now. I'm apparently the worst person in the world right now. Sometimes i just wish I lived alone and didnt have to worry about this. I talked to katelyn about getting out of the apartment lease..looks liek that's going to be an event in itself. Basically what it comes down to is her not being able to cover the rent entirely on her own. So I'm trying to work out something so that isnt a problem.....seems like everything is such an ordeal lately.

Anyway, I'm talking ot Joseph's little sister last night about all this, dont know why, but shes pretty east to talk to, despite the fact that shes like 17 and knows nothing really about it, she says to me last night when we're driving in the car "What would be the easiest thing to do?" and i said "well the easy thing would be to stay here with kate." and she said "well, would you be insanely unhappy with kate?" and i thought about it and realized, no i wouldnt be unhappy with katelyn at all, but i would be miserable being away from maxine.

So then Maryanna (Joesephs Sis) says to me "Well, usually the easy thing isnt the best thing to do." and shes right, and i know that and thats my motivation to keep trying to do everything i can to make this work, to make things work.

I miss abby, i spent a good hour yesterday sitting outside township auditorium watching this girl who looked so much like her i could barely breathe looking at her. I'm not going to get over her ever, i'm certain of it. I really need to leave soon, I'm not feeling all that well lately. Its starting ot scare me a bit because i find myself copying much of the same patterns of myself from about a year ago and right now in all honesty, living my life with sleeping pills and my bed is looking pretty nice....I'd be content sleeping some time away again.

So much more to say, but beter get back to work...

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