lily-white

2003-04-10, 2:27 p.m.,

Although I've already posted once today, there's no rule that says I can't keep going, so here goes:

I've been told something today and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Actually, I'm not even sure if I'm willing to commit my thoughts to words in my diary yet, but trust me, they're coming.

Trouble is, as crazy as this sounds, is that I've been working on my book pretty religiously lately and I really feel like I'm moving along with it again after a short stint of being away from working on it. I know I'm going to sound liek a complete freak to say this, but i feel like in a way Abby knows I'm writing this thing. The reason I say this is because there's times like now when all the sudden people from that time resurface all at once and I call my mom and she tells me all about how she "just bumped into Abby's mother" at the bank or mutual people we knew tell me secrets that were literally years undercover, leaving me to wonder "what the fuck?" It's like everyone wants their input on my dead ex. So go on everyone....bring it all all, I'll take it all right now please while my skin is tough enough to withstand it. Here's an open invitation to tell me the truth, tell it all and get it out of your system consequence free. You're cordially invited.

I think she knows this, she knows I'm learning more about her 3 years after her death than I ever knew of her in our 15 years of knowing each other.

And I can't stop listening to the "Babylon" song by David Grey. It just plays on my computer over and over:

Friday night I'm going nowhere

All the lights are changing green to red

Turning over TV stations

Situations running through my head

Well looking back through time

You know it's clear that I've been blind

I've been a fool

To open up my heart

To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild

all the lights are changing red to green

Moving through the crowd I'm pushing

Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream

Only wish that you were here

You know I'm seeing it so clear

I've been afraid

To tell you how I really feel

Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it

Come and get it

Crying out loud

The love that I was

Giving you was

Never in doubt

Let go your heart

Let go your head

And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London

Shining , Sky is fading red to blue

I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves

And wondering where it is you might be going to

Turning back for home

You know I'm feeling so alone

I can't believe

Climbing on the stair

I turn around to see you smiling there

In front of me