2001-10-07, 10:49 p.m.,

so i'm having a junior midlife crisis tonight. I talked to anie and she made me feel so much better, put some things into perspective for me i think.

i need to do what works for me and realize i can be responsible for everyone elses feelings.

theres certain days when you just know "what i decide today is going to change my life, the things i do and say today are going to make a new path for me" and i'm ready for that..

I need to stop worrying about making people happy...

so whats my biggest fear? I'm terrified that i'll be 40 and mediocre, i'll be a mom raising 3 kids with a minivan and a crappy business suit job driving the kids to soccer practice and dance recitals and always wish i was more. So..so what..? I'm done,...no more...no more going to work and pretending ot be happy here, no more compromise.

Abby died at 24..i could die at 26..who knows? More than half the families i work with have lost someone less than 50...isnt that odd? 70 percent of the people buried in our cemetary are under 45...frightening....and i havent even begun yet, i havent even started half of what i want to do...

I wih katelyn understood, shes young and she doesnt want to lose me but it sounds so condescending...she'll understand, in time, as she matures i guess.... who knows.

More later, i htink i'm gonna start a real journal again, i miss that, an everyday handwritten journal.

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