2002-07-31, 10:24 a.m.,

Me, being the idiot I sometimes can be agreed to work on saturday for a few hours, because we have so many things we need to save up for that's going to cost a fortune, I've now realized that I'll be working everyday this week, the entire week and weekend. Damn it!

Anyway, yesterday was so nice, i worked the day shift and maxie comes to get me from work (they needed to me stay a bit late and she had to wait around 30 minutes drinking a latte, waiting for me) but then...we went out, bought 2 bottles of wine, went to dinner and drank one of them. Not enough to get us drunk, but the bottle split between the two of us just enough to leave you warm and fuzzy...and by 8:30 we were in bed for the night, just chatting, reading, relaxing. It was so so nice. Even though we really didnt fall asleep any earlier than normal, it was nice to just put on the electric blanket, close the door and spend the evening in bed.

They've continued the construction in front of our flat. This is both a good and bad thing, good because hopefully we'll no longer have that huge gaping hole in front of our house and bad because now all day long you can hear them, drilling, air compressors, everything. And they make the building shake shake shake and it gives me a monster headache.

So I've been thinking....(i always hesitate to start these types of posts for fear they'll drag along forever) but i've been thinking lately alot about Katelyn. I've been having a lot of dreams about her lately and when I was home at my parents she had sent me this email talking about how depressed she'd been lately and how the girl she is currently dating is apaprently causing her an unreal amount of problems and psychotic stress. I could just sense how upset she was in her email and she asked me to call her when I could. I called her from my parents house and me and my bad timing, the time i pick to mentally prepare myself for a big discussion with her, I call her and she's in the car with said new girlfriend, therefore unable to talk about all that she's dealing with involving her. So we chatted very briefly and said goodbye, but i still worry about her.

So last night I was thinking about how when she and I began having problems, we decided to wait until the end of the summer to try and work it all out(when she was living back in our apartment again and had returned from working at the refuge 4 hours away) It became too hard to try to fix things when she was so far away and we barely spent any time together and any time we did spend together was under her parents suspicious and condemning eyes. Anyway, the summer really deteriorated our relationship and when she returned I was completely in love with someone else and told her that i didnt think it would be fair to her for me to try to fix things when my heart was elsewhere. At the time I thought it was fair enough, as if it were me, I wouldnt want to knock myself out trying to fix something if the other person didnt have their entire heart into having it fixed. Lately though, looking at it from her point of view, maybe I should have given us the opportunity to fix thing, maybe I shouldnt have been so quick to cut it off.

Let me say though, so that there isnt any confusion, that I'm not regretting what I did. I'm forever happy that I have maxie and I would never ever want to change it and I do believe more than anything that this is where i belong, that she is who I belong with. It's just that, well, karmically speaking, I guess if maxie and I were to ever have problems between us, I really hope she'd let me know and give us the opportunity to fix them before deeming that we cant be fixed and moving on. I would like to think she'd want that, but am I really deserving of it?

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