2005-03-18, 10:02 a.m.,

There's endless ways to commit suicide without ever technically dying.....just sit back and watch the life drip drip out. Watch everyone collect the drops and quietly sneak away.

Tonight the plan is to make the world disappear. Tonight the plan is to myself disappear. Forget the drama, forget the anger, forget the betrayal, forget that I still often miss her, forget the way I'd kiss behind her ears right before I fell asleep and as I left her in bed in the mornings for work. Forget the way she'd say "Love you, Gwennie Bortle." Forget the way her hair felt sliding through my fingers as I fell asleep every night. Forget the way the house smells after she's taken a shower, forget the way her mouth feels, forget the way her tongue feels inside me, her fingers, forget the way her voice sounded as she'd shut herself in the art studio and sing to her guitar. Forget the inside jokes, the idiosyncrasies, the stories we have that only we know about, like leaving the smelly French cheese on the window ledge in Paris. Forget the comfortable routines, the way I know just how she takes her coffee, how much vegemite for her toast, that she likes it with cheese and craves big bowls of popcorn when stoned. Forget all the times I was so proud of her I could've cried and the times I felt so loved by her that I did cry. Forget the intimacies of her body that you only know after four years, intimacies she'll never know, no matter how often she fucks her.

Forget who was with me when my grandmom died or when my sister had her cancer scare, forget who went with her to her uncle's bedside as he laid dying and who held her hand through the funeral. Forget who was there for her all this time when her best friend bailed out on her. Forget who nursed me through sickness and who nursed her.

Because none of this is love apparently. And tonight love will not exist.

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