2005-05-27, 12:19 p.m.,

Let’s see….I’m pretty sure that most people reading this diary don’t want to read about my sex life, or maybe they do, but I do have to see some of the people who read this diary on a regular basis and it could be a bit weird. But let me just say this. GOD BLESS LUSH.

Money spent at their store for their bath products and oils and lovely smelling skin softening things is so very well spent...for lots of reasons.

More weird dreams:
Last night I had a dream that my finger was all cut and had a huge chunk of broken glass in it and Maxie was trying to get it out and it was just bleeding everywhere, running down my arm.

To dream that you have a cut, suggests that you are being let down or being undermined. Alternatively, it refers to feminine sexuality and feminine attitudes toward sex.
To see your fingers in you dream, symbolizes physical and mental dexterity. They indicate manipulation, action and non-verbal communication. If you dream that your fingers fall off, then it suggests that you are letting a situation dominate you or dictate how you behave. You may be literally losing your grip on life. To dream that your fingers are injured or have been chopped off, denotes your anxieties about your ability to accomplish some demanding task or perform in some waking situation.
To see broken glass in your dream signifies a change in your life. You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end.

Hmm…untimely end? I’m thinking once this visa stuff comes through we’ll really have no need or reason to contact each other. I’m meant to give her a job reference today. I know she needs this job and I want her to get it and to do well, but sometimes I think to myself, other than this visa thing, which we were in together, how much did she do to accomodate because she cared about me? Because she wanted me to be happy? I don’t know. Just seems like I'm still accomodating and playing nicey, pretending I'm not hurt or upset because it's just easier that way. When this is how I got fucked over in the first place. I guess I still get angry fuck off moments wondering why I’m still accommodating her, when she’s still very much looking for what she can gain.

Right now, she gets a companion, a comfort shag to make the self inflicted misery go away for a night, a simple and very insecure girl just hanging onto her with all the sickening sweet syrup she can muster because she needs that crutch. I suppose its flattering to convince yourself that that desperate need for replacement is love. And I wont lie and say there aren’t times when I image them sitting around going “poor gwen, we don’t want to hurt her…but she’s so very foolish to trust us.”

It’ll work through. The visa will come through and we’ll go our ways and probably wont feel the need to pretend we’re buddies. What have we left to discuss? I barely remember her. I remember what she looks like and I remember what she was like…but I just don’t remember her. I can’t remember our life together and sure I remember events and experiences, but it’s all just picturesque, it’s like how I remember Abby really. Just images of fun times, but nothing real anymore, it’s all so distant and foreign.

Huge weekend ahead….so excited. Family dinner thing tonight, Catching up with friends and Lion King on Saturday, I have a drinks thingy on Sunday….

So off I go.

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- - 2007-06-08
My absenteeism - 2007-05-24
Defining Yourself - 2007-03-19
odd sort of flatness - 2007-03-06
Welcome Home - 2007-02-27


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