2005-05-27, 2:24 p.m.,

So I'm being a bit of a wuss and rethinking my last post and what I said, but not enough of a wuss to delete it and write something entirely new.

She asks me for favours...be a job reference, I really need this job. She does really need it and I do want her to get it, so I'll fake it for her. Because its the right thing to do.

But a few months ago I really needed our relationship and I really needed her to stick to something she promised and well....she said fuck off because it not what she wanted. Who was she to do me the favour of trying to make it work. Even if it meant that we'd still split later on, just try to work it out.

But I think we both knew all along it was both of us for her.

We both want what's best for her.

And I'm doing well enough and I'm happy enough where I am that I'll keep accommodating until the visa comes, but I swear to fucking god I'm signing a new lease the day I get that paper in my hand that says permanent residence granted. Because me living in that house and paying rent for both of us and forwarding mail and dealing with the house being put up for sale and filling out the forms and keeping up the game no matter how much it hurts and how patient you have to expect your new partner to be when it's so unfair to ask them to be just for the sake of appearance...well, its a heavy leash to carry and its exhausting emotionally. And it does make me realise how amazing Nicole is for being so patient and understanding and just so very beautiful about it all, but sometimes stuffing that tiny little body into a suitcase and taking her home just seems so much easier than putting on this fucking circus show of lies.

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